Wednesday, April 11, 2012

3 Cars That Europe Got Right, and America Didn't

First off to all of my 3 viewers (is it up to 3 now?  we should throw a mixer for cryin' out loud), I want to apologize for the laziness in posting.  There have been some pretty extreme changes to my life recently...but for better or worse, I'm trying to keep some of these goofy posts rolling so that I don't lose the blog altogether.  Yes, I am good at pouting...just ask Sara.

So, I have a treat for you today.  One of my favorite things in the whole wide world is automobiles.  I have to be one hell of a Simon Cowell when it comes to talking about what I like and what I don't like, don't I?  You're right if you thought yes, except I don't sport that ridiculous haircut.

I wanted to share with you a short list of cars that I believe have failed in such a miserable way that you may think I have a disorder from looking at small details....some you may think the car gives people HIV just from looking at it.

#3 Toyota's Mistake

This is America's 2003 Toyota Tundra.  You may be thinking I'm missing something here, but I'm not.  Do you see those rear taillights?  I'm sorry but what in all that is holy was the designer thinking when he/she sketched out the rear of this truck?  First let's remind ourselves that this is a truck, not a car...a simple oversight that the Japanese designer for Toyota thought that he could ignore.

Toyota obviously has to design for the world, so you'd think that the truck for Europe's market would be very similar, and that the minute details would only be the differentiating factors...


This is the Toyota Hilux, and it's much much different.  Top Gear, a British television show about cars, detonated a 20-story building with a Hilux on top.  When they found the truck afterwards, they brought in a mechanic with basic tools to connect a few odds-and-ends and STARTED THE DAMN THING.  This is what a truck should speak to.

I make look like I just woke up, but I'll Jean-Claude Van
Damme your ass in 2 seconds.
America may forget about the 2003 mistake, but I won't.

#2 Ford's Ignorance

In 2000, Ford reintroduced the Taurus to the American public.  A choice that was very wise, but never thought through.  The Taurus was the best selling car in the states, and so they created this beauty.  I don't even know if I can call anything on the car a "design feature."  It's just a thing.  It has some shapes, but I don't even know how to quantify all of the features into a style....

On the other hand, we got fucked.  Look at how Europe slowly and sensually molested us this time:

C'mon guys, can't you at least give us the damn TAURUS.
This is the ravishing Ford Mondeo.  Europe's exquisitely designed version of the Taurus.  Since we think "more is always better," the Mondeo is a bit smaller, sleeker, edgier.  I'd like to think that a full slab of ribs is better than a 1/2 slab, but this car is making me jealous.  I want to move to the UK right now and just buy one.  And the sad thing is that they haven't screwed things up since then...

Still puckering her lips, waiting to give you that sloppy
kiss of defeat.
#1 Volkswagen's Bad Choice

I just want to give a big shout out to my boys at VW.  Thanks for the Golf and the GTI.  Really, I'm very happy with both.  What's that you say?  You have another model in Europe that you're not releasing in the states?  It happens all the time, but I have to ask for a peek just so I can get it over it sooner rather than later:

GOD ALMIGHTY HOW COULD YOU.  You sneaky bastards, you had to choose this one?  It couldn't have been the Volkswagen Routan for the love of god?

VW makes the Scirocco exclusively for Europe's market, and is the same price as a Rabbit/Golf, but looks 50 times better.  

I think that when I take a look at Europe's car market, it forces me to think as to why design is not as important to the US.  You look at these examples I've set forth wonder how they've done it so properly.  It's as if updating the design from year-to-year was a very in-depth analysis of how to improve the look and quality.  It truly makes me a sad panda.
Touche to your meme's Sara.  Tou-freakin'-che.

Short and sweet this time.  Hope you enjoyed.

Monday, April 9, 2012

The 5 Best Ways to Look More Like a Badass on a Daily Basis

This is a call out for the male category.  A deep dive into what it takes to be the embodiment of all that is masculine.  Today we'll talk about the things that can easily make you more like that man that we all strive to be.
You shut your god damn mouth Dylan McDermott,
we all know you're already more of a man than me.
How can you get the look, the smell, the actions, the everything of that badass guy that doesn't even have to try?  Oh and beware females of #5, as it does sound quite sexist

#5 Relationships are for Pussies

Why the hell are you even THINKING about a relationship?  Don't know you that real men don't give a flying so-and-so about women?  It's all about brown baggin' bitches and moving on; get with the times.
A responsible and safe choice every time, gentlemen.
You should never stay with a girl more than the one night you need to get business done.  And feelings?  You're seriously kidding right?  You don't put yourself into the emotional roller coaster that is the relationship.  You stay away at all costs, and just keep your twig and berries active in the process.
But you're thinking a relationship will lead to this crap cut-scene from a romantic comedy:
Where's Channing Tatum when I need to make an example
of him?  WHERE IS HE???
It doesn't, you just end up not being able to sit on the couch and veg away at your chips n' queso.  You can no longer watch the Lions game with "the boys" and talk about how you don't give a fuck about women without getting caught.  You can no longer masturbate without feeling innocent.

That last one is subjective by the way.

#4 Swearing

Show us that your sentences are packed with a punch, not just a jumble of words you found from  You want to be the freakin' ayatollah of rocknrolla of man?  Then put on your big boy pants on and start swearing like a sailor my friend.

Swearing is the key to making your point in any conversation.  Let's take a few easy examples of how a swear word can enhance your mundane sentences of old:

original sentence - "I think it would be best for us to part ways for a little while, so that we can think more clearly"

Stage 1 new sentence - "It's best we fuckin' split girl, so I can get my mind off things"

Stage 2 new sentence - "We're fuckin' done.  Oh and I'm seeing some other skanks, sup"

ICP took this approach to every sentence they've ever
said, and look where it got them.  Ok, just ignore this
photo example...
It's easy to see that the new sentence structures give you the "umph" that you needed in the first place, telling that significant other, homeless person, or random stroller what they deserve.

#3 Not Giving a Shit

I think this is a no-brainer more than any of the things listed in this article.  Why would you EVER care about anything as the dominant male?  For instance:

Your wife walks over to you, notices that the couch is stained from orange soda, and there are chip fragments scattering the land you call "the mancave."  She asks you why it is so dirty in here, and that she is having guests over later.

0 Fucks Given.

It's best to keep the cool-temper as a man, I mean how the hell do you think Steven Seagal gets the big picture?
And we're pretty sure it's not a rumor that
he has been naming his movies all along...
Somehow Seagal has also managed to simultaneously karate the hell out of someone whilst getting a portrait photo shot.  He also has a pony tail and the greasiest hair I've ever seen.  But the main reason he fits the bill in this list?  His cool.  Have you ever seen Steven Seagal yell?  HAHAHAHA.  No you haven't; no one has.

#2 Yard Work

I'm sure many would disagree here, but what man doesn't care about his yard?  And what does working on the yard do for the ultimate male?  It makes him an undeniable beast.
There's no way you can deny this guy the privilege of
accurately portraying #2 on our list... 
You have to be able to get those hands dirty, get out there and show that you've got muscle...even if your body really don't present itself as the ideal solution to drinking beer (i.e. hitting up the gym 24/7).  No, the gym is not the badass instinct, it is the place where all can see you.  You think all of the housewives go to Xsport Fitness and notice that you're "really pushing yourself?"
Everyone hates Xsport Fitness as it is, now it seems
they have Lindsay Lohan for demos.
No the real challenge is to look the role while in your own yard, kicking some ass.  Tell those fucking dandelions who's boss by ripping them out with your bare hands.  Show that mole what a stick of dynamite looks like.  Trim those trees with a chainsaw the size of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.  Not to mention let's please keep our first photo from #2 in mind as the key goal....especially the hardhat and redneck tattoo on the chest.

#1 Horrible Diet

If you guessed this one, my male friend, then you are on your way to victory right now.  This is not as easy as you'd think, because whether you're enormous or the size of a toothpick that's been chewed down to a string by a dog, this takes some practice to achieve a successful norm.

We first ask ourselves, by what do you mean, a "shitty diet?"

*Well we're talking about cheap, blue-collar beer like Budweiser...not Bud Light because that's for 26 year-olds looking to watch "their figure."

*You watch football while chowing down on the cheapest, crappiest, chips and salsa from the corner store with all of the preservatives.  You don't want that going to waste for the next home game 3 weeks from now do you big boy?

*You eliminate hot dogs on a daily basis because they are an example of overpopulation.

*You wake up each morning and make your way through 27 bacon strips.  No less.

How could anyone even consider another breakfast item?

Any questions, man-beasts?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

A Day In The Life of a Sorority Girl

This is something I've wanted to do for quite awhile now; put my mind in a 19 year ol.......ok let's rephrase this entire sentence because I don't want to get arrested.  I've wanted to know why some girls that decide to "Go Greek" in school do so, and then proceed to make an enormous ass out of themselves.
There's nothing better than fundraisers with sorostitutes.
Yes, sorostitutes.  As defined here:

I am a sorostitute. I'm better than you and I know it. You can find me on campus in the SUV my daddy bought for me, rocking my Chanel sunglasses, North Face jacket, Nike Shox or Rainbow sandals. I never leave my sorority house without my letters somewhere on me. I date a fratdaddy. I don't care that he cheats on me with other sorostitutes because I cheat on him too.

Thank you Urban Dictionary, you couldn't have said it any better.

So sit back and enjoy the plethora of events you're about to witness on the Friday night of a sorority girl's daily doings.  It's not like it's hard to do this...there are two easy steps to becoming a sorostitute:

Step 1


 Time to wake u.....nevermind I'm too fucking hungover.  (Back to sleep)


Is that dried up vomit?  Shit what time was COMM110 lecture?  Whatever I'm so over that class.  Looks like Adam slept with me last night...Claire is going to be SO pissed since they started hooking up last week. Not like I care, last night was AH-MAZINGGGG.
Pictured above:  the definition of an amazing night with
a really cool person.

Proceed to get out of top bunk using ladder.  Ladder too difficult, I'm going to jump this one.

God I need some water, that Sex on the Beach last night was so strong.

Proceed to try and walk down the hallway, swaying 10' in each direction in the process.

Made it to the kitchen.

"HEY GIRLLLLL!  YOU READY FOR SOME SHOTS?" says Lindsey, our house social rep.

Down shot with other 15 housemates, screaming afterwards chanting "KAPPAS FOR LIFE!!!!"


This super hot guy from HIST114 named John or something asked me to Carson Hall for lunch.  I've got to put on this sexy outfit I just got from Hollister.  Totes have to make sure the heart-shaped tan mark near my junk is showing because my top is way too short...

Lineup of clothes:
Tremendously short Hollister pink tank-top (making sure heart tan mark is showing) 
Aviator sunglasses
Sideways neon green Kappa Kappa Gamma trucker hat
Even shorter ripped jean skirt
Soccer socks with KKG letters on them
UGG fur boots


Arrive at Carson Hall to meet John or whatever his name is.

OMG is it totally Burger Day???  I need a fuckin burger for this hangover, and a huge Diet Coke because I need to watch my figure...

"HEY JOHN!!!!!!  OMG did you just workout, your muscles are totally hot."
"It's Tim, and no actually I just got back from the computer lab....I have a big test Monday."
"Whatever you totally workout you bashful thing you.  Lets eat and go back to my place."
"I'm gunna head out actually, this is weird..."

Proceed to eat sorrows away because you didn't get penis.


Return to KKG House to overdramatize events.

I need to tell all the girls about this guy, he's such a dick.  I mean who turns this down?  This outfit is totally f-in hot.  These strawberry blonde highlights???  Yeah John, you can't have it.

"Girls, this guy John totes just told me off at Carson Hall.  It's not cool, I mean look at me"
"Sweetie you are looking so fab right now, that guy just can't handle you anyways."

Takes another shot of tequila to rinse her sorrows away.

"Girls, let's go over to see the hot Delt's, they're having a beerpong outdoor mixer."

The girls proceed to "wooo" and take more shots before heading over, buzzed, to the frat party.


Now that I'm at Delta Sigma, I'm totally going to play beer pong and act like I have no clue what I'm doing so some guy can teach me!
Go get 'em champ; pretty sure guys think you suck
at beer pong no matter what.

Proceeds to throw the ping pong ball at the other teams' cups and misses, hitting her housemate in the face.

OMG I totally hit Selena in the face, my bad!  We should go take a restroom break and talk about the boys and act like we're doing our makeup.

"Hey Selena, I need to go to the bathroom, come with?"

Both housemates walk to the bathroom.


We should totally just hit up the bars and forget about this LAME party Selena, the guys are not hot AT ALL.  Do some shots for free before we leave?



Housemates proceed to Tori's Bar & Grill down the street to get away from the frat party.


At this point, our current sorostitute is feeling extremely drunk and malnourished from the lack of food and water.

Why not just get a Sex on the Beach and find a cute guy to take home?

Before she can get another drink, she blacks out.
God damn right that sharpie job is FINE WORK.

Step 2

Repeat step 1 when conscious again.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

5 States You Want to Detour On Any Trip

There is a want to travel that I'd say has always come from my Mother's side of the family.  They are the group that buys the conversion van with a stupid pinstripe paint job and what seems to be a Johnny Bravo hair-do.  Oh and the same time it's an ultimately creepy van.

"Grandma, I thought you said we're going on a trip...why
are we driving towards the abandoned meat factory?"
Who didn't like Johnny Bravo for cryin' out loud? 
I was lucky enough to travel inside of these mysterious and rare form of van across the US several times.  I've decided that it's time to warn you all what you need to consider before traveling to certain states.  It's a serious decision to think about, because it will ultimately affect your route, therefore your total time outcome.  "So Matt," you say, "but there are too many states to try and avoid."  My friend, this is a survival guide.  Only the worst can get on this list.

#5 Nebraska
Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Yellowstone Park

We've all heard stories:

"Nebraska is just full of corn"
"Nebraska lies to you, saying it will be in the 'Great Plains'.  More like 'Lame Plains.'"
"Nebraska is a whore"

Nebraska in fact is the 8th least densely populated state in the U.S.  It also is noted as the state in which the formula for Kool-Aid was developed in 1927.  Oh and on an even better note....Lincoln, the capital city, was originally named Lancaster.  Until you know that guy Abraham Lincoln was assassinated and it was renamed for him. REAL ORIGINAL NEBRASKA.

Nebraska also invented Arbor Day, celebrating the planting of trees.  How cool is that???!!!?!  They couldn't have picked "Mail Order Gardening Month," or "Penguin Awareness Day?"  And yes those are real holidays.

If you drive through Nebraska you realize you are actually in the film, Children of the Corn:
Nebraska at its finest.
It's a sea of nothingness.  It's dead.  It's quiet.  It's BORING.  It's one of those states that seems to have a rest stop or exit with "things" in it every 400 miles or so.  Chances are, you'd be better off avoiding this state altogether by adding a few hours to your trip.

#4 Missouri 
Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Houston

Best described as "Misery" rather than it's actual stated name, Missouri is a shithole almost in the dead center of the United States.  It's named the Show Me State for what reason again?  Show me life?  Show me the guillotine because I can't find my way out of here?

Missouri is also noted as a "Missouri Bellwether," which is a political phenomenon referring to that they are the one and only state to have decided a president since 1904, disregarding 2 years in there.

Some other facts:

- Warsaw, a city within Missouri, holds the record for highest AND lowest temperatures at 114                                  degrees, as well as -40 degrees.
- Kansas City has more miles of boulevards than Paris.  And more fountains than any city except Rome.
- Aunt Jemima Pancakes were created here.

You drive through this state and you can expect to see trashed bunkers turned into hotels & gloomy skies that seem to demoralize your thoughts.  I've driven to Kansas City through Missouri and it was terrifying.  At one point the Burger King we stopped at seemed to have a soul and wanted to kill me.  Maybe Missouri is more Children of the Corn-esque?

#3 Alabama
Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Florida Panhandle

Alabama is an interesting pick.  I've seen some beauty from the University of Alabama campus, as a friend of mine has gone to school there.  But unfortunately if the state were a person it would be wearing a confederate flag and holding a shotgun, sitting outside of an abandoned gas station with Sparky (his 155 lb. Rottweiler).

It was actually Alabama that introduced the term Mardi Gras to us, not you stupid New Orleans.  The confederate flag was invented here.  In 1995, Heather Whitestone was the first Miss America chosen with a disability.  Hitler's typewriter is preserved in a museum in Alabama.

What you should really be thinking about is this:
Alabama, home of the RV.
This is a very vague picture of Southern Alabama, but this is the coast so at least there's something to keep your mind off of the endless vacant lots and shroud of trees.  I was too terrified to take a shot of the broken-down gas stations and quick stop stores in fear of getting shot and raped.
"Let me hear ya squeel boy."
Nice choice with the album title Bubba.
How many movies related to the south can you relate to Alabama?  New Orleans we just think is awesome, Mississippi is non-existent, Georgia is gangster, and Florida is full of old people.  So I think that proves the point that Alabama is the definition of the creepy South. With that being said, take hundreds of miles in detours, just to avoid going through this state.  It's a detour worth paying for, because in the end you don't want to be serving Samuel L. Jackson
Boom!  Another movie reference bitches.
#2 Arkansas
Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Austin

If you take a look at the route line on the map, think about how much of a close call this trip would be.  You're surrounded by death states like Missouri, Nebraska, and Alabama.  You need to take the narrow route between Arkansas and Alabama.

Arkansas invented the dulcimer, an instrument you pluck that looks like an odd-shaped violin.  Johnny Cash was born here.  The World's Championship Duck Calling Contest is held in this state every year.  Milk is the official state beverage.  They claim that their city of Alma is the spinach capital of the world.

Oh geez.  This state is a whole new can of worms.  Dry plains with no grass or fertile life of any kind.  I think that's probably the best way I can describe your scenery when arriving in Arkansas.  I saw a fucking tumbleweed once, IN ARKANSAS.  I also stopped at a Wendy's that was the only thing standing off of the highway exit.  It was also segregated, so that made things much easier.  Not.

#1 Delaware 

Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Boston

Wait, what the fuck is Delaware?  Consider the above listed path for driving to the Northeast.  Delaware is a sleeper waiting to consume you along the typical path to the North.

Delmar is a town littered with enough people that it is considered "the little town too big for the state."  It is the only state to have the Blue Hen Chicken as its state bird.  The Blue Hen god damn chicken.  Delaware ranks 49th (behind Rhode Island of course) of total area per state.  A frying pan built in 1950 for use at the Delmarva Chicken Festival is 10 feet in diameter and holds 180 gallons of oil and 800 chicken quarters.

Where the hell are you Delaware, seriously?
Who the fuck even resides in Delaware?  Enough is enough, just rid the U.S. of this state and we won't have to wonder where it is and what it's doing here.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Hater Monday: The 10 Easiest Things I Can Make Fun Of

This is properly brilliant.  It has to be...I'm starting things off for the blog just right, with a list recollecting all of the things that are a pestering force in our daily lives.  Or in most cases this will just be a list that makes me look like an angry old man that can never be satisfied.  Eh, it's not like anyone else other than my redheaded better half will have to deal with me anyways.

I had to reduce the list, because this has to be a recurring thing.  Some are just hated by me so much that they are exempt from the list in fear that I will go into a berserker rage, similar to our dog when in contact with other things:

Waffles:  Official gatekeeper of Humboldt Park;
My dog almost made the damn list, so Waffles should be thankful that I'm a nice parent and I won't gossip about her actions.  Welcome to Hater Monday, America.

#10  Onions

I'm sorry but one other person had to agree with me on this 100%, so that's enough for me to add this disgrace of a vegetable.  An onion shouldn't even be considered a vegetable, it should stay in the "forbidden fucking nasty plant anomalies" category along with peas and this freakish thing:
What the f....that has to be a Langolier...

Yup, thanks Stephen King.
In case you are completely lost as to what a Langolier is, please PLEASE just watch the movie based off of the Stephen King novel. It's a delight.  It also has to contain some of the best special effects in all of film history.  Just a hint - it was aired as a CBS special back in the early 2000's.  Oh and an FYI on that veggie, it's actually called a Durian and it's forbidden in some regions of Singapore because the odor is so terrible that it actually pisses people off.

But back to the point here, Onions suck.  Any time we are in a restaurant, I'll spot an awesome dish and read the list of ingredients.  Sea Scallops in a white wine sauce, sauteed with spinach, mushrooms....oh and ONIONS BITCH.  Goodbye sweet sweet sea have been tarnished by this vegetable that is so terrible people can't even cut it without becoming emotionally compromised.

#9 Carabiner Keychains

This has to be more common that what people make it out to be.  How many times have you been having a nice walk down the street when all of a sudden you hear a ridiculous racket resembling someone pouring a 20 gallon container of spare change onto the ground?  None you say, BUT it's becoming more common.

This is the lovely human being that has decided he/she wants to attach 155 keys to a carabiner and attach it to their pant loop.  Everyone now knows they are either one of two things:

1. a janitor
2. someone who wants to let everyone know that being a janitor is extremely cool

Last time I checked I have keys to my apartment and my car.  What the hell else do you have keys to?  The dungeon?  The city hall?  Obvious solution chaps:  downsize your collection or put 'em in a damn pocket.

#8 Cheap Continental Breakfast
Exhibit A

You look at this for 5 seconds and go "WOOOWWW!!  What a great-looking continental breakfast."  In this very large understatement lies our problem:  most continental breakfasts blow.  The brand new Holiday Inn Express may claim that it's "fresh" but take a closer look at Exhibit A.  Two loafs of bread that appear to be from the tantalizing Wonder Bread category.  MacIntosh Apples fresh from Walmart you say?  PRE-PACKAGED PASTRIES???

There's nothing that says "we care about you dearly as a person paying $100 a night"more than giving you a wakeup call of breakfast straight from the nearest Quick Mart down the street.  We do like Bob who runs the counter there though, he can make a mean slice of pizza in that instant-oven.

#7 AIM Chat Talkers
If you zoom in to look at this masterpiece, you'll realize what I mean by "AIM Talkers."  Ever had that friend that responds to everything with "lol" rather than a human response?

Tom - "Hey whats goin on man?"
Jacob - "Nuttin lol"
Tom - "Cool so you wanna hang tonight?"
"Uh, well I need to know because I have other friends wanting to go somewhere else"

Always a pleasure to chat with those folk.  I actually used to have a friend I gamed with, back in the day, and he would respond to full paragraphs with "lol."  PARAGRAPHS!  If you'd rather say "l8er" than "later," I don't think you're really making a shortcut by replacing the "a" with an "8."  Saying "ttyl" technically is a shortcut to "talk to you later," as well as "ead" is short for "eat a dill pickle."  I have sound instant messaging translation capabilities.

It's a way of communicating where you are no longer caring to type sentences to the receiver.  Success for talking with your boss?  Perhaps.  Do I suggest having a conversation with your long-distance girlfriend by interjecting with "brb bio?"  No, no.  I don't even know what that means, but it's used.

#6 Ford Mustangs.  And Their Drivers.

This surprises me that Ford Mustangs aren't higher on my list.  It was shown in a study in 2010 that 92% of Ford Mustang owners were called "deuchebags" at some point in time.  It stuck.

Every single one seems to have the American build quality flaw of having exhaust pipes that sound similar to a chain-smoker gargling Scope.  Their drivers are even better.  Every single one detests anything made in Japan like they honestly believe that American Muscle is a thoughtfully and precisely engineered product of the United States.  The drivers are special...
Hot Rod, promoter of badasses across the U.S., such as this
And an update, while out of town at Purdue this weekend, I DID hear a Mustang go through a stoplight while having my windows down (it was 65 and gorgeous).  Now the surprising thing is that I heard anything else after that, because my ears were bleeding ferociously from the god-awful noise emitted.

#5 Bluetooth Earpieces

This is the big boy thanks to the golfers, the stock brokers, the rich, and the lawyers.  Nothing is more noticeable on a rich man (other than ensued baldness) than his stupid earpiece.  I should technically qualify for a free bluetooth earpiece with my bald spot of epic proportions...but then again I can take that one step further and say that all bald people drive convertible sports cars.  So I guess I can live with that then...

I feel that the earpiece is fashion statement for men with no taste.  You always see an earpiece, golfer's polo shirt, khaki's, Oakley sports glass, and a hat.  Now I'm not the most fashionable of dudes here on planet Earth, but I'm pretty sure none of those things tick the "I look good in this" box.
Thank you favorite show in the world for proving my point...
Oh and there's nothing cooler than having a man walk down the sidewalk shouting into a cyborg ear instrument about a conversation you're not part of.

#4 Leggings

All I have to say to the females is "grats."  As in congratulations, you have brought something back into fashion that should stay dead.  Men, I'm sure your clear argument is "well Matt, you don't like butts then huh?"  You are quite wrong, friend.  You see, girls all have a different take on the leggings scene:

Stage 1 - Leggings covered; nice work, you're in the safe zone

Stage 2 - Leggings somewhat covered; trying to be fashionable

Stage 3 - WARNING Leggings not covered; full on yoga shit

Think of the scale as a very similar rendition of the "skirt nastiness" scale.  The shorter you get, the more you tell the public it's alright...and it's not alright for everyone to join that club.

It's like leggings have become the new sweatpants.

"Babe can we just be lazy today and grab some Taco Bell?"
"Yeah sure we'll leave in 5."
"Ok, I'm just going to put on some Leggings"
"Wait, what?"
"What's the big deal?  I'm just going to wear them and a tank top or something"

#3 Geese
I really thought they'd be at the top on this scale.  Geese really are a giant pointy needle up the world's ass in annoyance.  They're always pissed, they're loud and obnoxious, they're ugly, and they always want my damn ice cream.

Sara and I actually ran into a massive goose at a small town in Southwestern Michigan, and it proceeded to attack Sara when she did not properly share her ice cream with him.  I had to flap my arms, as if I were a giant goose in return to keep him away.  So that adds another terrible quality, potential embarrassment to yourself.

Have you ever been driving down a road near a pond and a pack of geese decide it's a perfect opportunity to cross?  That's not mere coincidence...the geese know how to pick their bone with humanity.
Except when we shoot them in the fucking face.

#2 Hippies

Anyone who knows me saw this coming.  This is just a no-brainer.  

I was walking Waffles along the Logan Boardwalk one afternoon on a weekday, and I happened to see a hippie drum circle.  A HIPPIE FUCKING DRUM CIRCLE.  God those things piss me off.  Why would you go to a patch of grass in the middle of a beautiful boardwalk and start interrupting everyone's great day outdoors with songs of moaning and talk of "The Man bringing us down."  

I've also witnessed the tight-rope-walking-hippies in Lincoln Park.  My eyes wander while running or walking and eventually I will lose my footing because of how disturbed I am.  Luckily I don't look as terrible as them trying to walk a tight rope while blazed as shit.  I think we all know how that turns out.
"That's some hella balance Adam, only 14 ft. to go and you're
lookin' solid my bro."

#1 Affliction/Tapout Brands

Now that is what I call a serious problem for America.  Tapout and Affliction wearers, please just give us all a break and quit wearing that ridiculous crap of a brand.  There are a few rules you have to put in place before witnessing "the ones who wear Tapout/Affliction" :

a. They are trying way too hard to say they are muscular
b. They are also trying to let you know that they are trained in MMA fighting
c. Their penises must be measured with calipers for precise rounding up in size
d. They drive shitty muscle cars, because they're loud and retarded just like the driver
e. The shirt they're wearing must be sewn onto their bodies because it has to be "fitted right"

That is a small sample of rules to take into consideration...since in most cases, the viewers don't look at those rules and begin a massive killing spree.  Please proceed with caution.

It's funny, I don't think I've seen a single person that has one of these shirts and isn't a deuchebag through-and-through.  
It's a trick you see, he has the earrings and glasses to try and
make you think he's just a Hipster...

Well I think that concludes Hater Monday's post.  I am posting early, so that I can get this into the blog for our boring and lazy Monday morning lives.