5 States You Want to Detour On Any Trip

There is a want to travel that I'd say has always come from my Mother's side of the family.  They are the group that buys the conversion van with a stupid pinstripe paint job and what seems to be a Johnny Bravo hair-do.  Oh and the same time it's an ultimately creepy van.

"Grandma, I thought you said we're going on a trip...why
are we driving towards the abandoned meat factory?"

Who didn't like Johnny Bravo for cryin' out loud? 

I was lucky enough to travel inside of these mysterious and rare form of van across the US several times.  I've decided that it's time to warn you all what you need to consider before traveling to certain states.  It's a serious decision to think about, because it will ultimately affect your route, therefore your total time outcome.  "So Matt," you say, "but there are too many states to try and avoid."  My friend, this is a survival guide.  Only the worst can get on this list.

#5 Nebraska

Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Yellowstone Park

We've all heard stories:

"Nebraska is just full of corn"
"Nebraska lies to you, saying it will be in the 'Great Plains'.  More like 'Lame Plains.'"
"Nebraska is a whore"

Nebraska in fact is the 8th least densely populated state in the U.S.  It also is noted as the state in which the formula for Kool-Aid was developed in 1927.  Oh and on an even better note....Lincoln, the capital city, was originally named Lancaster.  Until you know that guy Abraham Lincoln was assassinated and it was renamed for him. REAL ORIGINAL NEBRASKA.

Nebraska also invented Arbor Day, celebrating the planting of trees.  How cool is that???!!!?!  They couldn't have picked "Mail Order Gardening Month," or "Penguin Awareness Day?"  And yes those are real holidays.

If you drive through Nebraska you realize you are actually in the film, Children of the Corn:

Nebraska at its finest.

It's a sea of nothingness.  It's dead.  It's quiet.  It's BORING.  It's one of those states that seems to have a rest stop or exit with "things" in it every 400 miles or so.  Chances are, you'd be better off avoiding this state altogether by adding a few hours to your trip.

#4 Missouri 

Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Houston


Best described as "Misery" rather than it's actual stated name, Missouri is a shithole almost in the dead center of the United States.  It's named the Show Me State for what reason again?  Show me life?  Show me the guillotine because I can't find my way out of here?

Missouri is also noted as a "Missouri Bellwether," which is a political phenomenon referring to that they are the one and only state to have decided a president since 1904, disregarding 2 years in there.

Some other facts:

- Warsaw, a city within Missouri, holds the record for highest AND lowest temperatures at 114                                  degrees, as well as -40 degrees.
- Kansas City has more miles of boulevards than Paris.  And more fountains than any city except Rome.
- Aunt Jemima Pancakes were created here.

You drive through this state and you can expect to see trashed bunkers turned into hotels & gloomy skies that seem to demoralize your thoughts.  I've driven to Kansas City through Missouri and it was terrifying.  At one point the Burger King we stopped at seemed to have a soul and wanted to kill me.  Maybe Missouri is more Children of the Corn-esque?

#3 Alabama

Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Florida Panhandle


Alabama is an interesting pick.  I've seen some beauty from the University of Alabama campus, as a friend of mine has gone to school there.  But unfortunately if the state were a person it would be wearing a confederate flag and holding a shotgun, sitting outside of an abandoned gas station with Sparky (his 155 lb. Rottweiler).

It was actually Alabama that introduced the term Mardi Gras to us, not you stupid New Orleans.  The confederate flag was invented here.  In 1995, Heather Whitestone was the first Miss America chosen with a disability.  Hitler's typewriter is preserved in a museum in Alabama.

What you should really be thinking about is this:

Alabama, home of the RV.

This is a very vague picture of Southern Alabama, but this is the coast so at least there's something to keep your mind off of the endless vacant lots and shroud of trees.  I was too terrified to take a shot of the broken-down gas stations and quick stop stores in fear of getting shot and raped.

"Let me hear ya squeel boy."

Nice choice with the album title Bubba.

How many movies related to the south can you relate to Alabama?  New Orleans we just think is awesome, Mississippi is non-existent, Georgia is gangster, and Florida is full of old people.  So I think that proves the point that Alabama is the definition of the creepy South. With that being said, take hundreds of miles in detours, just to avoid going through this state.  It's a detour worth paying for, because in the end you don't want to be serving Samuel L. Jackson

Boom!  Another movie reference bitches.

#2 Arkansas

Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Austin


If you take a look at the route line on the map, think about how much of a close call this trip would be.  You're surrounded by death states like Missouri, Nebraska, and Alabama.  You need to take the narrow route between Arkansas and Alabama.

Arkansas invented the dulcimer, an instrument you pluck that looks like an odd-shaped violin.  Johnny Cash was born here.  The World's Championship Duck Calling Contest is held in this state every year.  Milk is the official state beverage.  They claim that their city of Alma is the spinach capital of the world.

Oh geez.  This state is a whole new can of worms.  Dry plains with no grass or fertile life of any kind.  I think that's probably the best way I can describe your scenery when arriving in Arkansas.  I saw a fucking tumbleweed once, IN ARKANSAS.  I also stopped at a Wendy's that was the only thing standing off of the highway exit.  It was also segregated, so that made things much easier.  Not.

#1 Delaware 

Origin:  Chicago
Destination:  Boston


Wait, what the fuck is Delaware?  Consider the above listed path for driving to the Northeast.  Delaware is a sleeper waiting to consume you along the typical path to the North.

Delmar is a town littered with enough people that it is considered "the little town too big for the state."  It is the only state to have the Blue Hen Chicken as its state bird.  The Blue Hen god damn chicken.  Delaware ranks 49th (behind Rhode Island of course) of total area per state.  A frying pan built in 1950 for use at the Delmarva Chicken Festival is 10 feet in diameter and holds 180 gallons of oil and 800 chicken quarters.

Where the hell are you Delaware, seriously?

Who the fuck even resides in Delaware?  Enough is enough, just rid the U.S. of this state and we won't have to wonder where it is and what it's doing here.