The 5 Best Ways to Look More Like a Badass on a Daily Basis

This is a call out for the male category.  A deep dive into what it takes to be the embodiment of all that is masculine.  Today we'll talk about the things that can easily make you more like that man that we all strive to be.

You shut your god damn mouth Dylan McDermott,
we all know you're already more of a man than me.

How can you get the look, the smell, the actions, the everything of that badass guy that doesn't even have to try?  Oh and beware females of #5, as it does sound quite sexist

#5 Relationships are for Pussies


Why the hell are you even THINKING about a relationship?  Don't know you that real men don't give a flying so-and-so about women?  It's all about brown baggin' bitches and moving on; get with the times.

A responsible and safe choice every time, gentlemen.

You should never stay with a girl more than the one night you need to get business done.  And feelings?  You're seriously kidding right?  You don't put yourself into the emotional roller coaster that is the relationship.  You stay away at all costs, and just keep your twig and berries active in the process.
But you're thinking a relationship will lead to this crap cut-scene from a romantic comedy:

Where's Channing Tatum when I need to make an example
of him?  WHERE IS HE???

It doesn't, you just end up not being able to sit on the couch and veg away at your chips n' queso.  You can no longer watch the Lions game with "the boys" and talk about how you don't give a fuck about women without getting caught.  You can no longer masturbate without feeling innocent.

That last one is subjective by the way.


#4 Swearing


Show us that your sentences are packed with a punch, not just a jumble of words you found from thesaurus.com.  You want to be the freakin' ayatollah of rocknrolla of man?  Then put on your big boy pants on and start swearing like a sailor my friend.

Swearing is the key to making your point in any conversation.  Let's take a few easy examples of how a swear word can enhance your mundane sentences of old:

original sentence - "I think it would be best for us to part ways for a little while, so that we can think more clearly"

Stage 1 new sentence - "It's best we fuckin' split girl, so I can get my mind off things"

Stage 2 new sentence - "We're fuckin' done.  Oh and I'm seeing some other skanks, sup"

ICP took this approach to every sentence they've ever
said, and look where it got them.  Ok, just ignore this
photo example...

It's easy to see that the new sentence structures give you the "umph" that you needed in the first place, telling that significant other, homeless person, or random stroller what they deserve.

#3 Not Giving a Shit


I think this is a no-brainer more than any of the things listed in this article.  Why would you EVER care about anything as the dominant male?  For instance:

Your wife walks over to you, notices that the couch is stained from orange soda, and there are chip fragments scattering the land you call "the mancave."  She asks you why it is so dirty in here, and that she is having guests over later.

0 Fucks Given.

It's best to keep the cool-temper as a man, I mean how the hell do you think Steven Seagal gets the big picture?

And we're pretty sure it's not a rumor that
he has been naming his movies all along...

Somehow Seagal has also managed to simultaneously karate the hell out of someone whilst getting a portrait photo shot.  He also has a pony tail and the greasiest hair I've ever seen.  But the main reason he fits the bill in this list?  His cool.  Have you ever seen Steven Seagal yell?  HAHAHAHA.  No you haven't; no one has.

#2 Yard Work


I'm sure many would disagree here, but what man doesn't care about his yard?  And what does working on the yard do for the ultimate male?  It makes him an undeniable beast.

There's no way you can deny this guy the privilege of
accurately portraying #2 on our list... 

You have to be able to get those hands dirty, get out there and show that you've got muscle...even if your body really don't present itself as the ideal solution to drinking beer (i.e. hitting up the gym 24/7).  No, the gym is not the badass instinct, it is the place where all can see you.  You think all of the housewives go to Xsport Fitness and notice that you're "really pushing yourself?"

Everyone hates Xsport Fitness as it is, now it seems
they have Lindsay Lohan for demos.

No the real challenge is to look the role while in your own yard, kicking some ass.  Tell those fucking dandelions who's boss by ripping them out with your bare hands.  Show that mole what a stick of dynamite looks like.  Trim those trees with a chainsaw the size of Kareem Abdul Jabbar.  Not to mention let's please keep our first photo from #2 in mind as the key goal....especially the hardhat and redneck tattoo on the chest.

#1 Horrible Diet


If you guessed this one, my male friend, then you are on your way to victory right now.  This is not as easy as you'd think, because whether you're enormous or the size of a toothpick that's been chewed down to a string by a dog, this takes some practice to achieve a successful norm.

We first ask ourselves, by what do you mean, a "shitty diet?"

*Well we're talking about cheap, blue-collar beer like Budweiser...not Bud Light because that's for 26 year-olds looking to watch "their figure."

*You watch football while chowing down on the cheapest, crappiest, chips and salsa from the corner store with all of the preservatives.  You don't want that going to waste for the next home game 3 weeks from now do you big boy?

*You eliminate hot dogs on a daily basis because they are an example of overpopulation.

*You wake up each morning and make your way through 27 bacon strips.  No less.

How could anyone even consider another breakfast item?

Any questions, man-beasts?