Hater Monday: The 10 Easiest Things I Can Make Fun Of

This is properly brilliant.  It has to be...I'm starting things off for the blog just right, with a list recollecting all of the things that are a pestering force in our daily lives.  Or in most cases this will just be a list that makes me look like an angry old man that can never be satisfied.  Eh, it's not like anyone else other than my redheaded better half will have to deal with me anyways.

I had to reduce the list, because this has to be a recurring thing.  Some are just hated by me so much that they are exempt from the list in fear that I will go into a berserker rage, similar to our dog when in contact with other things:

Waffles:  Official gatekeeper of Humboldt Park;
YOU SHALL NOT PASS.

My dog almost made the damn list, so Waffles should be thankful that I'm a nice parent and I won't gossip about her actions.  Welcome to Hater Monday, America.



#10  Onions

I'm sorry but one other person had to agree with me on this 100%, so that's enough for me to add this disgrace of a vegetable.  An onion shouldn't even be considered a vegetable, it should stay in the "forbidden fucking nasty plant anomalies" category along with peas and this freakish thing:

What the f....that has to be a Langolier...

Yup, thanks Stephen King.

In case you are completely lost as to what a Langolier is, please PLEASE just watch the movie based off of the Stephen King novel. It's a delight.  It also has to contain some of the best special effects in all of film history.  Just a hint - it was aired as a CBS special back in the early 2000's.  Oh and an FYI on that veggie, it's actually called a Durian and it's forbidden in some regions of Singapore because the odor is so terrible that it actually pisses people off.

But back to the point here, Onions suck.  Any time we are in a restaurant, I'll spot an awesome dish and read the list of ingredients.  Sea Scallops in a white wine sauce, sauteed with spinach, mushrooms....oh and ONIONS BITCH.  Goodbye sweet sweet sea scallops...you have been tarnished by this vegetable that is so terrible people can't even cut it without becoming emotionally compromised.

#9 Carabiner Keychains

This has to be more common that what people make it out to be.  How many times have you been having a nice walk down the street when all of a sudden you hear a ridiculous racket resembling someone pouring a 20 gallon container of spare change onto the ground?  None you say, BUT it's becoming more common.

This is the lovely human being that has decided he/she wants to attach 155 keys to a carabiner and attach it to their pant loop.  Everyone now knows they are either one of two things:

1. a janitor
2. someone who wants to let everyone know that being a janitor is extremely cool

Last time I checked I have keys to my apartment and my car.  What the hell else do you have keys to?  The dungeon?  The city hall?  Obvious solution chaps:  downsize your collection or put 'em in a damn pocket.

#8 Cheap Continental Breakfast

Exhibit A

You look at this for 5 seconds and go "WOOOWWW!!  What a great-looking continental breakfast."  In this very large understatement lies our problem:  most continental breakfasts blow.  The brand new Holiday Inn Express may claim that it's "fresh" but take a closer look at Exhibit A.  Two loafs of bread that appear to be from the tantalizing Wonder Bread category.  MacIntosh Apples fresh from Walmart you say?  PRE-PACKAGED PASTRIES???

There's nothing that says "we care about you dearly as a person paying $100 a night"more than giving you a wakeup call of breakfast straight from the nearest Quick Mart down the street.  We do like Bob who runs the counter there though, he can make a mean slice of pizza in that instant-oven.


#7 AIM Chat Talkers

If you zoom in to look at this masterpiece, you'll realize what I mean by "AIM Talkers."  Ever had that friend that responds to everything with "lol" rather than a human response?

Tom - "Hey whats goin on man?"
Jacob - "Nuttin lol"
Tom - "Cool so you wanna hang tonight?"
"Idk"
"Uh, well I need to know because I have other friends wanting to go somewhere else"
"lol"
"....."
"ttyl"

Always a pleasure to chat with those folk.  I actually used to have a friend I gamed with, back in the day, and he would respond to full paragraphs with "lol."  PARAGRAPHS!  If you'd rather say "l8er" than "later," I don't think you're really making a shortcut by replacing the "a" with an "8."  Saying "ttyl" technically is a shortcut to "talk to you later," as well as "ead" is short for "eat a dill pickle."  I have sound instant messaging translation capabilities.

It's a way of communicating where you are no longer caring to type sentences to the receiver.  Success for talking with your boss?  Perhaps.  Do I suggest having a conversation with your long-distance girlfriend by interjecting with "brb bio?"  No, no.  I don't even know what that means, but it's used.


#6 Ford Mustangs.  And Their Drivers.

This surprises me that Ford Mustangs aren't higher on my list.  It was shown in a study in 2010 that 92% of Ford Mustang owners were called "deuchebags" at some point in time.  It stuck.

Every single one seems to have the American build quality flaw of having exhaust pipes that sound similar to a chain-smoker gargling Scope.  Their drivers are even better.  Every single one detests anything made in Japan like they honestly believe that American Muscle is a thoughtfully and precisely engineered product of the United States.  The drivers are special...

Hot Rod, promoter of badasses across the U.S., such as this
gentleman.

And an update, while out of town at Purdue this weekend, I DID hear a Mustang go through a stoplight while having my windows down (it was 65 and gorgeous).  Now the surprising thing is that I heard anything else after that, because my ears were bleeding ferociously from the god-awful noise emitted.




#5 Bluetooth Earpieces

This is the big boy thanks to the golfers, the stock brokers, the rich, and the lawyers.  Nothing is more noticeable on a rich man (other than ensued baldness) than his stupid earpiece.  I should technically qualify for a free bluetooth earpiece with my bald spot of epic proportions...but then again I can take that one step further and say that all bald people drive convertible sports cars.  So I guess I can live with that then...

I feel that the earpiece is fashion statement for men with no taste.  You always see an earpiece, golfer's polo shirt, khaki's, Oakley sports glass, and a hat.  Now I'm not the most fashionable of dudes here on planet Earth, but I'm pretty sure none of those things tick the "I look good in this" box.

Thank you favorite show in the world for proving my point...

Oh and there's nothing cooler than having a man walk down the sidewalk shouting into a cyborg ear instrument about a conversation you're not part of.

#4 Leggings

All I have to say to the females is "grats."  As in congratulations, you have brought something back into fashion that should stay dead.  Men, I'm sure your clear argument is "well Matt, you don't like butts then huh?"  You are quite wrong, friend.  You see, girls all have a different take on the leggings scene:

Stage 1 - Leggings covered; nice work, you're in the safe zone

Stage 2 - Leggings somewhat covered; trying to be fashionable

Stage 3 - WARNING Leggings not covered; full on yoga shit

Think of the scale as a very similar rendition of the "skirt nastiness" scale.  The shorter you get, the more you tell the public it's alright...and it's not alright for everyone to join that club.

It's like leggings have become the new sweatpants.

"Babe can we just be lazy today and grab some Taco Bell?"
"Yeah sure we'll leave in 5."
"Ok, I'm just going to put on some Leggings"
"Wait, what?"
"What's the big deal?  I'm just going to wear them and a tank top or something"
"Dammit....."

#3 Geese

I really thought they'd be at the top on this scale.  Geese really are a giant pointy needle up the world's ass in annoyance.  They're always pissed, they're loud and obnoxious, they're ugly, and they always want my damn ice cream.

Sara and I actually ran into a massive goose at a small town in Southwestern Michigan, and it proceeded to attack Sara when she did not properly share her ice cream with him.  I had to flap my arms, as if I were a giant goose in return to keep him away.  So that adds another terrible quality, potential embarrassment to yourself.

Have you ever been driving down a road near a pond and a pack of geese decide it's a perfect opportunity to cross?  That's not mere coincidence...the geese know how to pick their bone with humanity.

Except when we shoot them in the fucking face.

#2 Hippies

Anyone who knows me saw this coming.  This is just a no-brainer.  

I was walking Waffles along the Logan Boardwalk one afternoon on a weekday, and I happened to see a hippie drum circle.  A HIPPIE FUCKING DRUM CIRCLE.  God those things piss me off.  Why would you go to a patch of grass in the middle of a beautiful boardwalk and start interrupting everyone's great day outdoors with songs of moaning and talk of "The Man bringing us down."  

I've also witnessed the tight-rope-walking-hippies in Lincoln Park.  My eyes wander while running or walking and eventually I will lose my footing because of how disturbed I am.  Luckily I don't look as terrible as them trying to walk a tight rope while blazed as shit.  I think we all know how that turns out.

"That's some hella balance Adam, only 14 ft. to go and you're
lookin' solid my bro."

#1 Affliction/Tapout Brands

Now that is what I call a serious problem for America.  Tapout and Affliction wearers, please just give us all a break and quit wearing that ridiculous crap of a brand.  There are a few rules you have to put in place before witnessing "the ones who wear Tapout/Affliction" :

a. They are trying way too hard to say they are muscular

b. They are also trying to let you know that they are trained in MMA fighting

c. Their penises must be measured with calipers for precise rounding up in size

d. They drive shitty muscle cars, because they're loud and retarded just like the driver

e. The shirt they're wearing must be sewn onto their bodies because it has to be "fitted right"

That is a small sample of rules to take into consideration...since in most cases, the viewers don't look at those rules and begin a massive killing spree.  Please proceed with caution.

It's funny, I don't think I've seen a single person that has one of these shirts and isn't a deuchebag through-and-through.  

It's a trick you see, he has the earrings and glasses to try and
make you think he's just a Hipster...

Well I think that concludes Hater Monday's post.  I am posting early, so that I can get this into the blog for our boring and lazy Monday morning lives.  

Toodle-loo.